Literal Insanity
I’m hesitant to share this. It’s intense. It’s real.
In March 2018, I believed I was taking the necessary steps to manifest all of my dreams; I was writing, reading, playing music, working out, and planning how to tackle each and every day to transcend myself into all that I wished to become.
I fooled myself though. I never noticed the mental haze around and within me thickening. With the increased consumption of cannabis, I solidified the thin line that borders insanity.
And I crossed it.
This story goes much deeper as to how and why this happened, and I’m working on it. For now, gain a glimpse of the raw evidence of a man spiraling into madness.
* * *
January 6, 2018
Last night, like most times in my life, I tried to dig deep into who I am and why I am the way that I am.
It started with the thought of why do I lack sexual desire, and why am I typically emotionally dull?
Sex is good, obviously, so why don’t I try to attain sexual relationships or even just experiences? My logic is that I require an emotional attachment to another individual. A dependency if you will, which is complete and utter bullshit; it’s not natural to depend on another human being to provide you with emotions, that should be something that comes from within.
My relationship with emotions is that of reaction, I’m a servant to you, I want to be whatever you need me to be because on my own I am nothing.
Why is there nothing, why do I consider myself to be emotionally flatlining?
Of course, through circumstance and experience, we are but a product of our environment. The root cause would have to be my relationship with my father. As he was going through his depression I understood that he was brittle, capable of breaking at any moment. I mean fuck, when he ran over his guitar (first off, how dumb do you need to be to even do that?) he lost it, he was crying and made it seem that his life was finally over. I wished it was; oftentimes I wished he was dead so that the burden of a child parenting his own father would cease to exist.
My downfall was that I never spoke up, I never told him how he truly made me feel and how it was such an unfair chore to be his emotional support. I never told him that everything he said I took with a grain of salt. He could have said literally anything and I would always pretend to give him the benefit of the doubt.
In a way, he stole my emotions. Instead of expressing myself I only reacted to his. I behaved, nodded my head, smiled, and portrayed empathy when appropriate, but it was never backed up by honesty. It was merely the thing to do so he could shut up and move on.
Does he know any of this, is he even aware of how much he seriously fucked me up? Probably not. In his eyes, my brother Wesley and I are super kids accomplishing so much despite the absence of his fatherly duties. I’m sure he even attributes our successes to his role. Sure, but you can literally attribute anything I’ve ever experienced to my successes. I wouldn’t be who I am without him, but the same can be said about the dump I took this morning.
What am I getting at? The reason I’m emotionally monotonous is hugely because of my father. No matter what I felt with him as a child, I never dared to reveal my true feelings because it might have led him to suicide. The fear of being responsible for my father’s death was too great, especially at 8 years old, to risk revealing my true feelings. That’s why I wished he would just go ahead and die so that “responsibility” would be alleviated off my shoulders.
So I learned how to react to others without showing my true self. I knew how to behave as best as anyone, but now I don’t know how to be myself. I let everything go, everything either has value or it doesn’t; and when I die in the end, the idea of value won’t even exist. So what's the point of valuing anything?
That’s why I consume cannabis because when I’m high I’m self-amused; I enjoy myself. Without it, I’m emotionless.
My emotional health is pretty much non-existent, and because they’re so closely intertwined, so is my sexual health.
I need help. I need to share this part of me with my family and friends, ESPECIALLY with my dad.
Not too long ago, my mom asked if maybe I’m depressed. I didn’t hate myself, I wasn’t suicidal, so my response to her was no and I played it off as cooly as I could. The question has not since been revisited.
Sometimes when I’m drunk or high, I’ll tell people that I am depressed. They’ll ask me about it the next day and I’ll brush it off as nothing, hoping the encounter would be erased from their memory.
I think the word “acting” comes from “reacting,” not vice versa because when you’re genuine to yourself what you portray is not an act at all. Actors though, act; they’re told what to do and they do it. In my case, I react to avoid being genuine because I’ve forgotten who I am.
January 9, 2018
Yes, I want to be sexually active. That means I must first become sexually proactive. Just do it. Don’t shy away. Try. Fail. Whatever, it doesn’t fucking matter.
Last night, for instance, provided a good opportunity to go out and try my luck in the fertile fields, but I convinced myself that rest was more important. I was kind of right though because now I feel a billion times better.
Before sex comes talk. Embrace the talk, every aspect of it; the awkwardness, the goofiness, the fails, the haters, all of it. Deep down it’s about confidence and self-love, but a bit more superficially is sex.
What are you waiting for? Go out and get ‘er done bud!
* * *
January 11, 2018
Thailand for me wasn’t about all of the beautiful places to see and be, it was about the people I met. I realize now that everyone I met was a reflection of who I was in that exact moment, and by judging all of those beauties I can confidently say that I too am a beauty. These are the type of people I need to surround myself with. It doesn’t matter how old anyone is, what matters is that they’re driven to do something personally valuable. These are people well on the path of loving and bettering themselves. Surround yourself with these people. You’ll discover ancient emotions, you’ll discover a sense of belonging, and you’ll find yourself.
Love yourself and you will find what you are looking for.
* * *
January 14, 2018
…After our toes went numb and the tires were changed I eagerly went back to the guitar to practice my new scale. These circumstances brought about a new insight into the world of music — it all made sense. It was like a mini big bang went off and now my potential for learning is infinite.
I convinced my friend to go on a walk with Dusty and me and promised some delicious Pony burgers afterward. During the walk, we talked deeply about plants, animals, and fungi — life. The conversation was profound and I found myself puzzling together some universal mysteries.
The same comet that landed 12000 some years ago did in fact lead hunter-gatherer societies to civilization. Although the comet did not carry the bipedal ancestors of Atlantis, it did carry a living organism: fungi. These fungi survived a prehistoric journey through time and space, and underwent countless genetic modifications, eventually birthing a psychedelic version. Perhaps many animals consumed this powerful substance, but it was the early humans to abuse it.
An awakening came along with the mushroom. Hunter-gatherers opened their minuscule minds and developed a greater consciousness which in turn created an intelligent civilization.
The walk came to an end, Dusty had his fun ad we all developed an appetite. But first, it was time to drop off my belongings. As I carried everything inside my new room, I decided it was time for my first puff of the day. I had a few options to choose from, various Sativa strains or the old pre-Thailand-trip strain that remained in my purple one-hitter, which wasn’t as much weed as it was hash.
We drove to the Pony, stepped out of the truck, closed the doors, then realized that I hadn’t taken a puff. I opened the truck door then grabbed and packed the one-hitter. I was sort of aware that hash profoundly affects me so I made sure not to take too much. I finally took a hit and off I went.
Everything is connected. Through the help of my friend and the visualization of sacred geometry, I fully understood the power of the moment and the presence of its constant movement. It was intense but it was necessary. I learned and I grew so I could learn more.
I’ve since come down, but not after putting out some personally positive energy. I shared a two-sided story online to help remind people of the power of the moment.
* * *
January 31, 2018
Geez, why’s it so hard to write in here? This daily habit is tough man. Guess something is better than nothing, even if it’s just a couple of sentences.
So I got a friend right and we talked for 90 minutes last night. He seemed to reveal many of his insecurities. If I had to guess he sees me effectively “lead” and entitles himself to believe he’s also a suitable leader. Too forceful man.
Being a leader is about being you. The better you become at being you the more confident you become and the more you act common sense in your life. People see that and start thinking that they can see the same in themselves, those are the ones that believe in themselves through you. You’re the example. You’re content doing your own thing, not afraid but welcoming of the inevitable changes. Ride the wave, you’re above the surface and those that have not yet reached the heights will notice where you are and they’ll eventually believe they can get there too. Monkey see monkey do. If he can do it, I can do it too. Yes, you can.
Find happiness, success, love, joy, all of it; you are deserving of all these fruits and such sweets are amplified when shared.
One love. Love yourself, love all. Offer the world the best you can offer because it is deserving of all you have to offer.
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
* * *
February 7, 2018
I was ready.
I was hardly even listening to the comics I was so busy coming up with my own material. One bit that came up was about Aussies and mixing that with Olund’s one fuck in Thailand and something about the YouPorn lady-boy Snapchat video.
I was ready. I even thought about apologizing to the older folks in the audience for the vulgar story I was thinking of sharing.
Oh well, next time.
* * *
February 11, 2018
Deep down is a love for beauty. Not perfect things but beautiful things. Things in nature that act as they do to navigate the world in which they live. Subtle things. A crow gliding in the wind. Two dogs wagging their tails as they greet each other. Being honest with who they are and how they feel. They are real and they are not merely acting out an image in their minds, they react from the heart.
* * *
February 12, 2018
The sun was shining and my toes were freezing. I was getting deep in my own head, I was relaxed and enjoying the ski school kids goofing around on their skis.
My heart melted when a group took a break behind the “SLOW” banner I was manning. An instructor came over and said, “Hey, Cameron here has a something for you.” The kids side-steps on his skis towards me and hands over a pop-rock candy for Valentine’s Day. I almost cried from the kindness Cameron and the instructor had to give. Acting out of kindness and love for another being is Godly. Thank you, Bruce and Cameron.
* * *
February 24, 2018
The sun was out this morning and fuck man, these mornings make it so tough to drive. The sun’s blasting the eyeballs, can’t see, then I can’t see through the windows because it’s still fogged up except for a 2”x6” patch of clarity in the very bottom left corner.
Picture me slouched over, like Golem, driving the main stretch in my small hometown. Making it to the only set of stoplights is such a relief. Didn’t kill anybody and now I’m in the clear. Sorta. The blindness didn’t end there. Just before North Arm Farm, the truck ahead of me made a sudden stop and I barely caught it happening. I could not see dick. I made the mistake of turning on the windshield wipers which just made things much worse.
Fuck bruh, fucking high as fuck.
* * *
February 26, 2018
Yoyoyo, what’s crackin’ my dude? Just rolled up a J for the first time in like 5 fucking months. Holy shit, eh? And honestly, it was the most casual joint I’ve ever rolled. Solid shit bruh.
During the late stroll outside I figured that I should go beyond the daily gratitude. Gratitude is an appreciation of all the miraculous opportunities that come my way; however, it has NOT been an appreciation of the things I’ve been doing for myself.
This is how the last couple of weeks have been going: Start the week off with the Mountain Safety Volunteer program on Whistler Backcomb, now it’s become the Stillwater program from 8:30 am-4:30 pm. I’ll usually get in a ‘lil toke and walk which includes balancing myself on the train tracks and sometimes filming myself. I’ll then end up at the grocery store to socialize for a bit. Then when I get home I’ll cook something up (lately it’s been eggs, bacon, avocado). After eating, I’ll gear up for Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu at 6:45 pm. I don’t really enjoy staying for the advanced class but I still do. After some hugging therapy I’ll walk around with a friend from class for a fun talk and toke. He wasn’t at class tonight but typically we go on a walk and smoke a couple of his pre-rollies (sometimes I’ll bring my vape). We’ll talk weed, parenting, adulthood, fun, life, etc. And honestly, it’s such a great time hanging out with a fellow cool dude! But he wasn’t there today so I opted out of the advanced class for some kettlebell gym action. Worked on the shoulders, legs, and core. I finished off the workout with leg raises and ab rolls. I got home, rolled a J, walked around outside after shitting and writing. and called the old man. It was a nice and positive conversation. We made plans for Wednesday to skate, sauna, and watch comedy! Also earlier today I got the vape set up, grabbed my plant ID book, and walked the tracks towards One Mile. I tried to identify some trees, it was fun. I ate an apple, filmed some shit, took a couple of photos, and smoked some dope. Just having fun alone, y’know? Also did a little insta story for the fam. Spreading the love, y’know? You’re killing it dude, and it still don’t stop.
Peace.
Special shoutout to Cam for sharing his book, “How to Think Differently” and thus, changing my life. Thank you Cam.
* * *
February 27, 2018
Tim seems like a friendly old dude with plenty of amazing stories.
No phones for this guy. Liking him already. Respect is obviously important. No hat. Good posture. Listen.
Remember starting out wanting to be knowledgeable enough to be able to be a guest on the JRE? Now I want to more like Joe Rogan himself.
Holy shit. As a species, we are no longer experiencing “Natural Disturbances” that would otherwise allow growing into a better being.
Fucking phones, sucking me into oblivion… I’m remembering how I had to start leaving my phone outside of class. Just noticing how drained Joe looks after we were told strictly no phones by Tim. Definitely a subject worth talking about. Just like the personal struggle and addiction with it.
Tim: “Never an expert because we are always at Mother Earth’s whim.”
If I were a tree, I’m thinking I’d be “made to burn” like black spruce… Spirit tree lol.
Diggin’ the idea of fighting fires. Need to journal photos with a solid camera.
Understanding sacred geometry is fucking key. Insane amounts of wisdom to be found.
Wow, the pictures in the slides are incredible!
Gosh, remember how fascinating it was to watch the fires start and spread on the nearby mountains when working at Big Sky? With Aussie Shane hahaha.
So clear, how this learning transitions into the field. Unlike kinesiology and most uni faculties… This learning is fun!
These pictures are fucking dope. Dude, holy fuck. Imagine a career in Forest Fire photography? Get into Nat Geo…
Is there a way to use fire energy as reusable fuel?
Seems like there are very strong morals in Forestry, Logging, and Fire-Fighting.
Remembering Barry from Rona saying after high school, he committed himself to any test and challenge that came his way. That’s partly why I dropped out of Uni: I wasn’t near committed enough for it to be a worthy pursuit. Things have since changed. It’s no longer about just sitting through class, it’s about learning. Be present. Be absorbent.
Three cups of coffee: two black, one bullet-proof. Too much caffeine.
Cremation with Cannabis.
No more milk with sugar, otherwise I feel like death.
If you develop the expectation that things will last forever, you will ALWAYS be pleasantly surprised (because guess what, nothing lasts forever).
Remember Reg recommending fire-fighting whenever we were both riding in the RONA truck together? Two of his kids did it, and they’re killing it!
Seek discomfort, grow.
Key: warding of TV, video games, phones, whatever; just eliminate screen time.
For comedy, go to Cafes and create stories about the people that pass by.
* * *
February 28, 2018
Stages of growing up. How to adult while accepting you’ll never be a “true” adult because we should be constantly learning.
Felt bad for leaving Jesse in such haste… Had to make it to the T’szil Centre at 8:30 am.
Tried out a bulletproof coffee early, gonna see how it’ll affect me versus fasting until noon.
Joey Diaz retweeted me! Fucking G dawg. Love it.
If someone pisses you off, disrespects you, or is just TOO incompetent, challenge them to a wrestle and choke them until they tap haha.
We live in an ever-changing world, we should have an ever-changing mindset. Know there is an opportunity to learn ANYWHERE and EVERYWHERE.
I have to initiate phone number exchanges. I’m so fortunate most people do it but it’s time to change that. Get Stillwater peep’s numbers.
These fire-fighting photos are still dope as fuck.
Chem 1001 coming to play with this WHMIS knowledge lol.
Reg’s 5 P’s of success: Proper Planning Prevents Poor Performance. Life-changing.
Hanging out with Ben and Brendan in Ben’s room.
Use fire energy by heating large bodies of water.
Thinkin’ ‘bout the man and woman fighting last night in front of the clinic. Not guilty about not intervening.
Growing up with a shit metabolism has allowed me to develop food consciousness at a young age.
Getting Halloween costumes for X-mas but by the time Halloween came around, we either grew out of the costumes or wanted a new one.
Start a happiness/success/life consulting company? Could work. Life-coach-esque.
Crazy how people are glued to social media and caring about whatever so-n-so’s doing on the other side of the country instead of caring about the people around you.
Coffee with maple syrup doesn’t bode well, especially as a second bulletproof coffee for the day. Go black for other coffees.
Don’t wait for someone else to step up. Make it your responsibility.
Lead.
Accept yourself as the “weakest link” and take full responsibility for everything to develop strength. At least until you can start delegating.
Empathy is fucking key!
Survival of the fittest. Life is the game. Aim to be the best player.
* * *
March 1, 2018
Pretty high as fuck right now, in class with Tim and this selection’s crew.
See the good in everything. In effort, results, actions, symbols. See positivity, good, happiness, love.
Good vibes everywhere bruh.
Proficiency is determined through character. Qualification is determined through experience. Competency is determined through wisdom.
Thoughts explicit, white roses, tulips, candlelit, it’s time to do it.
Saying something without explicitly saying it is the key to art (beauty, music, comedy).
Deep thoughts lol. Sounds way better IN my head. Out loud don’t do them justice.
Oh, what’s your job? It’s shit, shitter pumper.
Dad is your crazy old man. Who is he? To you? To the world? Your fuckin’ dad bruh…
Why was Tim microwaving his coffee? It’s in a large McDonald’s cup.
How the fuck is everybody able to eat sugar so early in the fucking day? It’s 9:30 for Christ's sake. Crystal’s eaten a bag of chips (usually eating bags of candy), Zak’s eating a Timmie’s muffin. So much goddamn sugar. How do people do that to themselves…?
Is this where my personal message is derived from? Can’t be eating shit forever, your metabolism is gonna age man. Be conscious of that shit!
Hold eye contact like a G…
Some coffee is too fucking easy. In the plastic container already grounded up and placed in the filter paper, holy shit. Take some fucking time man!
Never stop learning. Always keep an active mind because happiness is what you will find.
Will Tim button up his left breast pocket?
Purposefully wearing nicer clothes to try to gain an edge with these forestry guys. Started out with posture for Jody, now it’s clothes for Tim.
Man! Journals are a great resource to find jokes!
*My mind is with you* Finger to temple, extending outward salut.
Can’t believe I passed year 2 physiology… 68% is gold especially for putting in a 30% effort.
“Would you like to see me naked?” If unsure about asking for sex.
Dad’s wisdom though. Unreal.
Rather be known as the guy who might have overdressed than the guy not known for anything.
Honestly, all these forestry guys seem pretty baked. Tim ain’t drinking coffee, he’s drinking “special herb” tea.
Learn how to draw silhouettes of coniferous trees.
At the New Site Fire department. Looking up at the new snow line, got the feeling that that is the last snowfall of the season. Spring is here, er… or at least almost here.
“Full-screen guys!”
Micken = lice, lol
Nate passing the fuck out then shacking his cheeks to wake up. Stretching all the time too. Impressed I’m so alert. It’s the weed and posture!
Falling too close to 50/50 in task/relationship. I think a ‘lil more task is optimal.
Crystal the kind of girl to think a viral motivational video is specifically addressing her.
Alert, attentive, from 8:30 am to 12:00 pm, and then from 1:00 pm to ~4:00 pm. Killing it.
This program runs 14 days on, 3 off, then back for 11, or something.
Weakness: not being able to annoy people. Difficult time prioritizing who I listen to. Usually, people who started talking first and/or are emotional.
Clarity. Speed. Rhythm.
When apologizing: the mindset usually is “I didn’t know that would happen, but I’m not surprised it did.”
* * *
And that’s that.
Pretty cool, hunh?
And just imagine that that’s but a mere fraction of the story. I’m currently writing a book that will go over everything that happened before and after, and I hope that whoever reads this far, you, will share any support and/or criticisms in this storytelling journey.
Peace and Love.
And remember that this was over 3 years ago, and I haven’t smoked dope in over 15 months.